An other day an other coconut. But not really because the kids hate coconut water. Luckily the restaurant makes amazing pure fruit shakes – fruit and ice. We could go broke ordering fruit shakes three times a day but currently it’s what’s keeping Sabine alive – that and the occasional chicken satay and bowl of rice. Vegetables?! Ha. The woman who works daily at the restaurant – from 7am until 10pm is a softer and warmer Lucy Liu look alike with a wide smile and a sparkly necklace that Sabine loves. She is from Burma and her name is Toy although everyone calls her Banana. EVERYONE – she laughs and says,” I don’t know why but they all just call me Banana.” The two other waiters – Ohm and Nino smile and say;” Oh yes she is Banana.” There is no malice – they work together all day smiling and laughing and helping each other during the “rushes” – when there is more than one table. Banana loves Sabine and yells out to her when we enter the restaurant or when we just walk by – it’s a covered patio between the pool and the sea. She says – Hello friend! I love you and then she runs up and gives her huge hugs and kisses her all over her face. It immediately turns Sabine back into the Don – the stern baby she was until about 1 1/2 years old when she finally cracked a smile. Banana, Ohm and Nino have been taking great care of us and we have grown to love our little spot – there are kids around so that has been great and Anderson has finally gotten up on his board. Chris had a few stellar days riding all afternoon.
We rented a car and explored the Island a bit – it’s all about food and beach. There is the very hippy vibe along side the party gap year backpackers. We stopped for dinner at a beautiful Indian Restaurant named Chand Masala – the patio was raised and covered, the floors tatami style mats, the tables low and surrounded by beautiful pillows covered in intricate Indian and Thai fabrics. It was fully vegetarian boasting fresh pressed juices and an extensive menu including vegan, gluten free and options for all special dietary needs. It was populated by thirty somethings all decked out in the best and softest yoga gear and flowing pants, tattoos peaking out low backed dresses and running up and down arms and legs with abandon. Despite the hanging incense burners wafting out citronella the mosquitos were out in full force and a waiter generously popped by each table with some spray – to which a woman screeched, “ Natural? Is it natural?!” Our neighbours were involved in an intense discussion of developing a new yoga style blending the principals of Sweedish massage, Ayurvedic scents and Vinyasa flow. It was all sending me to a dark place of annoyance at peoples’ need to steal from all cultures – reminding me of visiting the Vatican museum in Rome and being gobsmacked that not only was everything stolen and plundered from other cultures it was then put on display. I mean I don’t know why all the yogi seeking tourists have been driving me crazy from Nosara to Koh Phangan – what exactly is my problem with people wanting to improve themselves? I guess that I’m trying to find some deeper meaning in our travels as well and still coming up light. The desire to show our kids the world, introduce them to other cultures and feeling like we are falling short. It dawns on me that I am angry at myself for not accomplishing all the things I had thought I would on this year abroad. And to top it all off the food wasn’t even very good! You know when it tastes like everything is sweetened with apple juice?
We woke up the next morning to the news that a dear friend of Chris’s family had passed away. Although she was in her 80’s it was sudden for us – I didn’t know that her cancer had returned. I just thought there would be more time – an other dinner, more talks and it’s just over. I want to celebrate this women’s life but I feel like lying down in a dark room – it somehow intensifies my feelings of inadequacy and what the heck am I doing with this life that I have and this incredible journey that I get to be on. How can I feel down/frustrated when I am “living the dream” on a beach in Thailand. Anderson is obviously feeling some similar feelings because this morning he had a full meltdown rant at me for – well everything from not smiling to not helping him with his math the way he needed to be helped and for keeping him away from his friends while I get to email mine all the time (which I suppose I could but I don’t). His anger was deep and very cutting – I finally had to walk away and spend a little time crying away from him – crying in anger and in sadness. I have been feeling all those same feelings – frustration, loneliness, boredom, wondering why I am not feeling totally fulfilled by this trip. Certainly missing my friends – and with the loss of Jane – feeling so incredibly lucky that I have such long term friends in my life. It is so hard to see what I think is my deeply hidden anger reflected back at me – important to let it wash over me because I really wanted in the moment of the rant to yell back at him – to take away privileges and to make him hurt the way his words were hurting me. Even now on the other side of it – after I came back and talked to him about my anger – about wanting to be a better mother and about my fears of this trip and we hugged and cried – I still feel a little lost. So I’m doing what I do best – I came to the restaurant for lunch. Banana smiles at me as I plot my next path.